How to achieve a deep meditative state

As a teacher, I know that my breed knows something about group work. Not, it is true, as much as the twat (not to be misconstrued with the homonym for pregnant fish) who thought that sitting in a group working with people you don’t like for hours on a project which is petty and pointless would be a great idea. As is obviously the case, this poor sod was an office worker bound to his cubicle and desperate for any human contact and not a teacher himself whose colleagues, having been through a system of being taught in groups, now also believe that this is the most fun one can have while teaching teachers.

Yessir, we know all about group work.


This is why it came as no surprise when on our first day back at school management announced that we would be doing some group work, about group work. Because it is well known that you can get the best work done by harnessing the power of six minds who all think that one of the other six is doing the work.


Completely skeptical, I announced my sincere abhoration to the group and attempted a brief explanation of why, psycho-socially speaking, this joint brain-tossing session was nonsense. I was launched upon by the Life Skills teachers – obviously, their entire year plan would be comprised of a sheet of blank paper if they couldn’t use group work to teach teenagers how to practice ostracizing one another in a safe and caring classroom environment all while never really doing any original thinking of your own.


Needless to say the next 15 minutes were for me, and one or two others, a lesson in its own right on how to achieve a deep meditative state. Until the head tosser turns to you and asks whether you have any contribution to make:
‘Yes I do actually. Group work sucks and I hate all of you.’ Smile.

Is what you really want to say, but all that comes out is the strained smile earning you an encouraging pat on the back, ‘You’re doing just fine Non-Contributer, maybe you’ll have a really good idea when I ask you again later.’ Smile.

I am not remorseful of my blank disinterest, quite honestly I believe that my contribution of carbon dioxide and body heat was worth more than many other verbal contributions.



It was only on achieving the meditative state despite the rancid yacking of a permanently dissatisfied group member that I realized the poor woman just playing her part in the group. As was I. She had to say whatever came to mind, right or wrong, because she was The Yacker. Head tosser had to ask for my contribution because he was The Head Tosser who asks questions and writes down everything The Yacker says to avoid being The Doer –the person who is going to have to stand up after this session and tell management how we wasted their time. And the Non-Involved Douch, who picks dirt out from under her fingernails with the edge of her notebook instead of contributing anything useful. That would be me.



And while all this totally makes me want to be a better person, I still really loathe group work.

-Soba