If I were to run around like SuperMario repeatedly banging my head against various walls hoping to find a gold coin my friends, I believe, would try to stop me. I assume that they’d care about the safety of my brain.
Another organ they appear much less concerned about is my heart. If the above situation were a metaphor for my quest for true love – they’re failing miserably. I realize that as a metaphor it gets messy – it would be the princess searching for SuperMario (or any Mario for that matter, no no The Mario…) and would hopefully involve less magic mushrooms (although if I find one that makes me magically smaller: I’m Taking It). But here my friends encourage me unceasingly to keep banging my head against those walls.
My favourite pacifier is “It’ll happen when you’re not expecting it”. If I never find love – I’m blaming them. Now when I’m feeling heartbroken and thinking “That’s it – I’m out. I hate this stupid game”, their voices sneakily suggest to me that maybe now is the time… Thanks to them, I’m never not expecting it.
Let’s not forget: “Your perfect man is out there”. Really? Why is he hiding? Where is he hiding? And again, why? My perfect man is not a hider. And I think I’ve given South Africa
As I approach The Wall (new metaphor: my rapidly approaching 30th birthday), I find myself taking stock. What have I achieved? What do I regret? I certainly regret every second I've spent feeling sorry for myself because I was single, because that hasn’t bourne a single fruit (no pun intended) and casual observation of couples staring at their food in restaurants makes me glad I’m not in a relationship for the wrong reasons AND being single is smokin’ fun (except on major holidays and at the car dealership). What of my achievements? Besides a wonderful career doing a job I love, I have graduated summa cum laude from the School of Unrequited Love
Step 1: Possibility.
You meet someone. Years ago this involved a moment of chemistry, with someone who checked all the right boxes: career, looks, intelligence, sense of humour… Now it’s more like: single, no obvious prison record/tattoos. You sense potential. Or a friend points it out.
Step 2: Spending time together.
You find something you have in common – whether it’s a shared loved of the theatre or a mutual relief that the other doesn’t have a badly inked swallow with a number on their upper arm and you use this to spend time together.
Step 3: Escalation of Contact Time.
You start to see each other more regularly. This may be by arrangement or “co-incidence”. For example, you discover that you’ve been missing out for years on the rich comedic experience of a weekly open mike stand up comedy routine. No really, you have.
Step 4: The SMS Conversations.
They start innocently but before you know it they last for hours and contain a fair amount of innuendo. You try not to be the last to sms and you certainly avoid starting them. You find a way to include a question or suggestion that forces a reply. Subtly. You go to bed grinning.
Step 5: The Eschewing of Former Prerequisites:
You realize that your previous check boxes for a partner were very limiting and narrow-minded. Of course you can find a way to make it work with someone who has completely different religious beliefs. Or a genetic defect. Or a prison record….
Step 6: The Period or Rich Imaginings.
You can’t help this period. You know that it’s best left undone, but before you can help yourself you’ve already day-dreamed what your parents and friends will think of him, how he’ll propose, what the wedding will be like and yes, what your future offspring will look like. You’re embarrassed by this step. You should be – for heaven’s sake you’ve googled whether or not your children will carry the genetic defect. You never tell anyone any of this. And you never should.
Step 7: The Stupid Smile and Nervous Laugh.
A culmination of the preceding steps – people ask you what’s happening between the two of you and you deny anything – lest you jinx it. But the stupid smile and nervous laugh often give you away.
Step 7b: The Realisation that Whilst Normally Rational You Now Believe in Jinxes.
Step 8: The Final Realisation.
It usually happens unexpectedly. Although to be fair you may have missed the signs while daydreaming about weddings and children. You find yourself in conversation with The Wall (old metaphor: head banging against) and discover that he’s still hung up on some girl he didn’t even date over a year ago - even though you’re there, clearly available, sitting on the couch opposite him. You continue the conversation for one of two reasons. Either, while you have been building the dream relationship he has been making a great new friend OR he’s just not that into you and thinks pretending to be in love with a figment of his own imagination is a kinder way of letting you down. And he may be right. And of course having lost your dream, you really don’t want to lose face. You leave and find somewhere quiet to bang your head against a wall. No metaphor.
Step 9: Game Over
You swear off love. You bow out of The Game. You make plans for a rich life so full of adventure and acclaim that you couldn’t possibly have time for a relationship and frankly, marriage and children would just hold you back.
Step 10: You Renege.
You hear the voices of your friends telling you that it’ll happen when you least expect it. You go back to Step 1. You do not pass Go. You do not collect $200. (Unless of course you’re one of those girls who’s found a way to make this all work for them financially. But I’m not.)
Over and Out (of the game) OR Between Steps 10 and 1. - Gleam
